she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
