just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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