If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
