Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
