now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
