census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
