My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
