how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
