I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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