I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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