i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
