Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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