You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
