you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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