I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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