I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
