I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
