I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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