Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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