I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
