i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
