I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
