I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
