I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
