over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
