before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
