This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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