in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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