so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
