i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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