Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
