It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
