Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
