get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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