I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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