I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
