I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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