You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
