He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
