can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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