I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You pole danced in your parka.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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