somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
