In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
