I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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