I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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