awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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