Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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