you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
