Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
