We're facebook friends in real life
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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