Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
