god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
