I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
