the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im holly from the hills drunk
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
