woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm at about main and main street
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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